So....I realize I'm starting this journal a day early. I was planning on starting it tomorrow night, after checking into the MTC and getting all situated, but I have too much on my mind.
Right now, I'm on the plane heading to Salt Lake. Kaitlin is picking me up from the airport and I'm going out to dinner with her and her husband Abe, and our friends Britta and Austin. I can't wait to see them one more time, but I'm kind of an emotional wreck right now so we'll see how it goes.
I tried to treat this flight back to Salt Lake like a regular flight back to school after a quick trip home - but that didn't work so well. My whole family walked me into the airport. We said goodbyes - I haven't done too many of those because I've just been trying to ignore the fact that I'm leaving for eighteen months. You know, for my own sanity and emotional well-being. But I think I've reached the point where I can't ignore it anymore. It's all hitting me - hard - and I'm barely coping.
Despite this, and despite the fact that I've never been more scared of anything in my life, I know I'm doing the right thing. I know that Heavenly Father wants me to do this and will help me find people who are looking for His hand and His love in their lives. At a special stake meeting we attended on Sunday, my stake president summed up why I'm going on a mission perfectly when he said "We do what we do because we know what we know." Just like Nephi, I feel like I'm being "led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do" (1 Nephi 4:6). Or in my case, how I'll do them. But nevertheless, I am going forth.
Also speaking at this stake meeting was Elder David A. Bednar. He spoke for nearly an hour, but one point he made resonated with me. He related the story told in Matthew 4, when the devil was trying to tempt Christ during his 40-day fast before beginning his ministry. While the devil tried tempting Christ in three different ways, Elder Bednar said that these three temptations were one and the same: "Forget who you are and turn in instead of out." Saying goodbye to my friends and family was hard but if I dwell on leaving them, I know it will distract me from helping the people of San Francisco; it will cause me to turn in instead of out.
I believe that Christ's most defining characteristic is that he put everyone's needs above his own - that is what makes him our Savior. He died for each and every one of us - without his regard for others, the Atonement would not have occurred. Neil A. Maxwell said, "Except for the character of Christ, there would have been no atoning sacrifice." My choice to serve a mission is not about me or for me - it never was. I decided to serve a mission because I wanted to serve others and serve the Lord. I just need to keep that perspective. Like Elder Bednar said, "Consider the character of Christ, and consider where you're turning: towards him or towards self." I know my mission will be the hardest thing I've ever done, but I also know it will be the most rewarding experience of my life.
Before he set me apart, my stake president reminded me that while a mission will benefit me ten-fold, it only will help me if I'm not doing it for myself or thinking of myself - just like Elder Bednar's message. I almost can't believe I'm about to go out and do this, but the sacrifice is worth it. Amelia Earhart said, "Decide whether or not the goal is worth the risks involved. If it is, stop worrying."
I am going to stop worrying. The goal is well worth the risks.
